Monday, June 24, 2013

A Life-Altering Decision

Okay, everybody, I've made a life-altering decision.  This is big, as usually I can’t even decide what to eat or which direction to take when walking my dog.  I've decided I need to be famous.  Yep.  That’s it. 

See, I've loved writing ever since I can remember.  I loved it so much that someone even bought me a typewriter for children, many years ago.  It was great, except I learned that I just liked the clicking noise of the buttons, and that didn't really make for good writing.  Somehow that typewriter disappeared rather quickly after all the paper I wasted.  When no one was around to demand my writing, I filled notebooks and napkins and every scrap piece of paper I could find, but when someone would say, “Okay, write something,” I would just stare at the paper in fear, like it was going to possess my soul.

The blank's so...pretty.

For some time, writing left my life.  I found that I had to work or pay bills or do other grown-up things that I’m really not qualified to do.  Even though I've been doing this for several years, I still think it’s all some big mistake.  Someone, somewhere, put my name on a list that said I was ready for the adult life, and they were wrong.  Yes, I go grocery shopping, but I don’t even know what grown-ups buy at the store.  I just go for bananas and baking ingredients.  Real dinner?  What’s that?  I do go to work every day, but I wake up every morning sad that I have to get dressed again, and so early.  I keep thinking there must be some better way to survive.
As much as I admire the great writers of the past, it seems that a lot of them had to be independently wealthy, starving artists, or supported by a rich patron.  My previous attempts at winning the lottery or finding a long lost wealthy relative have failed, so I have the options to starve or find myself a rich patron who thinks my writing is worth reading. Or, I could become famous.

"Rich patrons are the bomb, yo." ~Billy Shakes

So, I've been thinking.  I can write elaborate and beautiful dedications, witty and sarcastic remarks, or even wonderfully worded threats to bad neighbors.  But, if I had all the time in the world to write, I could do even more than that.  This is why I need to be famous.  In case you needed to see it in list form, I've made a list of pros and pros.

Pros (for me)
  • I could write all the time.
  • I wouldn't lose my mind doing the same thing day in and day out, only to worry about not being able to retire when I get old because of a crappy economy.
  • I could read books whenever I wanted!
  • My dog would be happier.
  • I wouldn't have to pretend how to be an adult anymore, but I would have time to learn how to get proper groceries.
  • I wouldn't have to get up and put on socks every day.  Heck, I could just not wear any regular clothes at all and stay in my pajamas all the time. (It’s really great for creativity, so I’m told.)

Pros (for you)
  • I could spend more time at HEB, hanging out with the weird people who seem to inspire my many adventures.
  • I could write all the time.
  • You would be keeping me from starving.
  • I could write for you.
  • You would have more funny stories to read, which would in turn make you a happier and less worried person.

See, I'm only concerned about you guys. If I become famous, I could do all these things and more.  Who knows?  Maybe I could start some sort of sock-less society where we could just wear flip-flops and drink margaritas all day long, because stress and socks are dumb. It would be great.  Also, just look at this dog.  Who wouldn't want him to be happy?  

In conclusion, somehow, I need to become famous.  I don't know very much about the whole process, except I think owning a small dog gives me an advantage.  But! You can share my blog on all of the social media, and maybe that would be a good way to start.  For my part, I'll even get a Twitter, which I had staunchly avoided until now because I believed the 140 character limit to be akin to a dropped phone call, and maybe a Facebook page.  Let's go crazy!

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